Can You Feel It!!

Can you FEEL IT!  Can you FEEL IT!  Can you FEEL IT!  Lately, words cannot express how good I feel.  Physically, emotionally, mentally, I just feel good ALL over.  God has been blessing me!!!  My non-profit organization has been taking off with scheduled workshops into 2011, media exposure, name awareness, new website, volunteers, and so much more.   Thank you Lord for ALL you are doing for me, for my family, for this non-profit, and for all of those whom I love very much.  2011 is going to be a GREAT year and I am looking forward to all that is in store.  To you God be all the honor and glory!!

Be Ready

We have to be careful what we ask of the Lord because then we have to be ready for the answer.  We may ask God to help us make a major decision in our lives and the answer we get may not always be the answer we are looking for.  Depending on what the answer is will require us to do a lot of work on our part.  Now, whether we want to do the work is another story.   We make plans....God laughs.   We ask for help in making decisions...but then not satisfied with the answer.   The point is if you are asking, then BE READY.

God is doing a NEW thing!!!!

There is something good getting ready to happen!  I can feel it!  I'm sitting at the edge of my seat with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.  Many, many blessings have been bestowed upon me and I want to thank God for all of them.  This is a new season and a new day.  Recent founder of a non-profit organization this year called, God's Glorious Girls, Inc. to prevent and intervene teen dating violence in the Greater Hartford area.  God has given me vision for short and long term goals.  We will soon make our first appearance at the Women of Color Expo the weekend of November 13-14th.  My pastor recently appointed me to Assistant Teacher; and, I am now the Minister of Discipleship classes.  There are some committed servants who are doing well and I thank God for them.  There are great things happening everywhere!!!  To God be ALL the glory!!!!!

Trust in God

The past few weeks have been adventurous in the spiritual realm.  There is a move of God in my life that I cannot explain but all I can do is say "Yes, Lord to Your will and to Your way".  The people in my life don't "look" the same...they don't "act" the same.  This may not make any sense what I am saying but God is allowing me to see things in people that I have never experienced before.  All I can do is trust God!  Trust that God is going to protect me in the midst of the storm.  Last night I dreamed about bears.  A bear was pursuing me everywhere I went and if I left the door open the bear would try to come in.   The symbolism of a bear in your dreams is the same as a snake....destructive, evil curse, opposition.  All I can do is thank God for the warning that someone or something negative is out to hurt me but God will not allow them to touch me.  It's important that we listen to God when God is speaking to us.  The methods of communication may not always be the way we think but God is still communicating.  When we're given the warning signs all we can do is TRUST!!!

Give God the Praise!!!

Depression is a serious disease.  Many of us have our share of ups and downs with it every now and then.  Some people think that because I wear a collar that I don't experience bouts of depression from time to time.  Well wrong!  I am here in the flesh like everyone else and I go through life's struggles like everyone else.  I was at my lowest when I wanted to commit suicide.  If I had a gun that night it would have been all over with.  There was no reason for me to be here anymore.   There was no reason for me to live anymore.  I don't know why I felt that way.  I was eight months pregnant sitting in the mall parking lot in Hampton Virginia crying my eyes out wondering why I couldn't function the way others did when they were pregnant.  I didn't understand why the sciatica was so bad that I was practically handicapped.  I felt like no one else around me understood what I was going through.  All the pain I had in my body everyday for as long as I could remember (I don't know maybe 8 years old) and now just getting worse and worse and for what reason.  All my life all I knew was physical pain.   And now I knew emotional and mental pain too.  What was the point in me living?  What was I going to be able to offer my child?  I couldn't do anything but be in pain all the time!  Does anyone know how that felt?  I didn't want to hurt my baby so I thought long and hard about hurting myself.  I think that's what saved me and that is why I'm still here today.  There's a song that reaches down to my soul by Kurt Carr " I Almost Let Go".  Every time I hear it I cry.  It brings me to my knees because "I almost let go and He held me close so I wouldn't let go.  God's mercy kept me so I wouldn't let go."  When I hear those words it always brings me back to that time in the parking lot when I felt my worst and I thank God for saving me, for lifting me, for holding me close, so I couldn't, so I wouldn't let go.
If you haven't been there, then pray that you never get there.  If you have been there, then pray that you never go back there again.  Get professional help.  The church is not enough.  It's the loneliest place in the world to be.   I have dealt with bouts of depression numerous times since then but not to that extent.  I have been on medication.  I have slept, didn't want to get out of bed, wore the same clothes for days at a time, didn't want to bathe, didn't want to eat, didn't want to get dressed, just not function at all but God had mercy on my soul.  The valley is never too low that God can't bring you to the mountaintop and for this I give Him all the praise!

Be still and listen

Some of you have been wondering where I've been lately but I don't move without the direction of the Lord.  It's important that we take time to hear what God is saying to us so if that means being still then let it be so.  I've been listening to God about some very important people in my life.  We have to allow God to use us even at times when we don't think it's necessary.  Who are we to tell God what we think?  God is going to use us anyway.  To make a long story short.  I have one child but God always uses me in the lives of many, many children.  Sometimes I get upset and wonder why I have to do it but I contribute anyway and keep it moving.  Then when I look back over it later I understand.  You know God has a way of using us to His benefit in ways that we never thought possible; in ways that we never thought we would be used; in ways that we didn't think we could be used; in ways that we wonder "Well why is God using me?".  Somebody out there knows what I'm talking about.  Sometimes life just doesn't make any sense but we go along with what God says to do anyway.  So God I surrender to you...I am listening to you...I am being obedient to you...Yes, I know that makes you so happy...like a parent with a child.  I am doing my best.  So when you haven't heard from me now you know why.  I'm being still.  I'm listening.

Listen and Obey

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God".  When I hear that Scripture over and over again in my spirit I must be obedient to God's message.  Just be still because God is trying to tell me something.  The only way I will hear him is to stop what I am doing and listen.  You know when we are so busy doing other things (usually it is something that could wait) we miss what God is trying to say to us.  Sit on the couch, sit on the bed, sit on the floor, sit at the kitchen table....wherever it is just sit down.  Make yourself a prayer closet, a prayer space, a prayer room but take the time to give God time out of your day everyday.  It is the same as when we are talking then we are not listening.   Well if we are moving around then we are not listening either.  God has unsual methods of communicating with us...ways of getting our attention.  We must be open to what that is and what God is saying to us.  We may not always like what God is telling us but we must be obedient.  Be obedient to God's Word.  Be obedient to God's message.  You will be glad you did.

God has blessed you...

When you love someone no matter how much you try to fight it just follow your heart.  The head may try to do one thing but the heart always wins.  God may have placed that person in your life for a reason but you may not be aware of the reason yet.  God has a plan...but remember we make our own plans and God laughs. :)  You may think that it feels too good be true....no such thing because love is not supposed to hurt.  Just take what God has blessed you with and enjoy because if you let it go that blessing may never come around again.  If this love feels right then let is be so.  That is the way God intended it to be.

Good Girlfriends!

It's nice to have a few good girlfriends to call on when you need to talk.  You don't need a lot.  One or two is good.  Girlfriends that you can confide in and you know it is not going anywhere...now that is a true friend.  We all need girlfriends like that.  We can just hang out together have a glass of wine, laugh and tell each other stories, watch movies, and just have a good time.  Sometimes I fall asleep on them when they come to my house for movie night.  But they still love my anyhow (I think :)!  If you don't have anything else, make sure you have some good girlfriends in your life because they will be there until the end.  God Bless!

Dreams will come true...

God has blessed me with a beautiful daughter.  My pregnancy was very difficult.  I was on bedrest for the whole nine months with sciatica (which is a nerve that is in your back that runs down the back of your leg - very very painful) I started off with a limp, then a cane, then a walker, then a wheelchair towards the end of the pregnancy.  I am sharing all of this to say that all of the pain that I have had since I gave birth has been nothing but great joy ever since.  Perri has been a blessing to me.  She makes me laugh.  She's a great kid.  She does well in school.  She is currently an honors student consecutively each quarter beginning as a sophomore in September at University High School of Science and Engineering on UHART's campus studying for a future in medicine.  Who would've thunk?  I took her on a tour of Hampton University this year because she has her mind made up that she will be attending there after graduation and had never set foot on the campus.  As soon as we arrived she said "Mom, you can drop me off now".  So my prayer is that she will be attending Hampton Univ in the Fall of 2013 because her little heart is set on that school to matriculate in a dual program in medicine.  Hallelujah!!!  My baby will be college bound sooner than we think.  I better keep saving my pennies, nickels, and dimes Whew!  I thank God for her everyday and I will make sure that her dreams will come true.

AME WIM Quadrennial

I went to the A.M.E. Women in Ministry Quadrennial last week.  Whew!  It fed my soul.  I was blessed to be around some anointed sistahs....Dr. Teresa Fry Brown, Sandra Blair, Jacquelyn Grant-Collier, Lillian Frier-Webb, Renita Weems, Bishop Vashti McKenzie, Bishop Sarah Frances Davis, Bishop Carolyn Tyler Guidry, and the list goes on and on and on.  To God be the Glory for all the great things He has done!  What a blessed time we had in the workshops, in the worship services, at the Jarena Lee gravesite, at the luncheon, at the prayer breakfast.  When I say we had sistah talk...you couldn't get any better than this.  We walked away clothed in our right minds. LOL  For those of you who missed it, you missed a spirit-filled three days by some anointed preachers and teachers.  We learned a lot and we were able to go back home re-fueled until the next conference.  One of the books I highly recommend, please see below.

"This peace I have..."

When God gives you peace, no one can take it away.  It is an inner joy, an inner quietness that oozes from the soul.  Something that makes you feel good from the inside out so that no matter what is going on around you no matter how chaotic life may be you are still cool, calm, and collected.  Your smile is no longer on the surface but coming from within.  There's a light that shines from the inside out.  You no longer worry, the heart no longer races, the mind longer paces back and forth...but like the ocean there is peace in the waves as they move along the shore.  You can't buy this.  Only God can give it to you.  I thank God everyday for the joy I feel, for the love I feel, and, for most of all, the peace I feel everyday of my life.  This peace I have the world didn't give it and the world can't take it way.

Finding God

Have you ever been in a room full of people, yet, still felt all alone?  Like you were the only one in the midst of all of those people?  Too often I have felt like that but I have continued to smile and socialize anyway as if everything was alright.  I thank God for the bad times and I thank God for the good because it was in those bad times that now I appreciate the good that much more.  We have stood in that place and talked only to feel like no one was listening or no one could hear us..we were in a box - no one cared (or at least it felt that way).  Sometimes I felt that even God didn't love me.  Deep down inside there was something missing from my life and I had to search long and hard to find what that was.  The key here is that I did not want to stay in that place.  We have to want to move out of the valley.  Finding God was the best thing that ever happened to me.  God has been in my life since I was 18 years old but just for a while I had lost my way.  It happens sometimes.  Once I got back on track, the sun continued to rise never to set again.

Enough is Enough!

At seven months pregnant, I had a black eye and no place to go.  I was tired of arguing and being beaten by my husband.  At the time we were living in Hampton, Virginia.  One day I packed a bag and moved in with my girlfriend Sheila and her husband.  She was so horrified when she saw my face that she took pictures of it.  To this day she still has those pictures and I never ever want to see them.  She said if you ever turn up dead I will have proof of what has been done to you over the years.  I could not stand to look at myself in the mirror so I didn't look.  These are not the memories that a mother should have when she is pregnant with her first child (or any child for that matter!).  I remember one night feeling so so sad that I drove over to the empty mall parking lot and sat there in my car.  If I had a gun that would have been the end of me and my unborn child.  I felt that he did not deserve us.  I never thought that I could feel like I would want to commit suicide but I did...I will never forget that night how my heart felt deep inside if I had a heart at all.  I'm not sure if words can explain how I really felt.  But I say this here today because somebody has been there and somebody is here right now.  This is my testimony to help someone else.  Domestic violence makes us feel like we are alone in the world and no one cares about us.  We are afraid to tell someone because we are embarassed of what others might think so we hide behind the smiles everyday yet our hearts are bleeding hoping that someone notices.  We don't want to leave the relationship...we just hope that he will one day change.  On top of physical abuse, there's verbal and emotional abuse, other women involved and the list goes on and yet we still hope that it will all change.  Then one day we get sick and tired of being sick and tired and stand on our own two feet and say "This is it...Enough is Enough".  I can't take this anymore"  When it comes down to that point...there is no turning back.  When my daughter was born, I looked into my daughter's eyes and realized that I was sending her the wrong message.  This is not okay.  No you should allow anyone to treat you like this.   No this is not "normal".  Whatever "normal" was because I did not know.  God gave me the strength to move on.  Life was no longer the way I once knew it for the past 10 years of my married life but it was time to change...time to let go and let God.  Enough is enough.

New Direction

When God takes us in a new direction, for some of us, there's joy.   For some of us, it's a little uncomfortable, but whatever it is for you God is still taking us in a new direction no matter how it feels.  We may not understand fully why the new path is taking place, but we know that we must follow.  So we take baby steps day by day following God.  It's only a matter of time before we realize why we're going in that direction and then we begin to enjoy the ride more and more giving us a sense of peace.  Thank you God for new direction.   New mercies I see!

Write! Write! Write!

Do you write your feelings on paper?  If so, do you feel better afterwards?  I do and yes I always feel better afterwards.  It is a release for me.  This blog is a daily journal of my life; my thoughts.  My thoughts put down on paper helps me to organize what is in my head and then I feel so much better.  You should try it!  You never know what may come out of your writings.  This is a great way to express yourself.  This is also a way to minister to someone else.  So Write!  Write!  Write!

Bittersweet

I answered my calling the same year that I got divorced.  What a year!  On Memorial Day weekend my daughter and I traveled to DC to visit friends.  My girlfriend Penny is a praying sister so I had to pray with her before I left to return to CT.  She was moving at the time and I kept insisting that I come over her house.  She said what do you want because my house is full of boxes and I don't have anywhere for you to sit.  I told her that I was not coming to see boxes that I was coming to get prayer so she allowed me to come after all.  When Perri and I arrived Penny asked me what I wanted and all I could say was "Peace".  So we sat in a small room and we prayed for peace.  On my drive home that day I cried all the way.  The Lord spoke to me loud and clear.  He said if you want peace in your life then do what I told you to do....answer the call to preach.  "What!  Not me!  Why are you calling me Lord!  I don't want to be called!" I acted like I had heard this for the first time but I knew because my dreams had given me warning signs over and over and over again.  But I knew that this was the final straw.  God was speaking to me like a "do this or else" statement.  I continued to cry until I arrived in Hartford.  I drove to my mother's house first.  When I arrived I told my mother that I was answering the call to preach.   She smiled and hugged me and the first words out of her mouth were "I'm not surprised".  Well why not?  I was.  A couple of days later I met with my pastor to inform him that I was answering the call to preach.  He wasn't surprised either!  Anyway, for the next couple of months my world was upside down.   Then I knew from there that the man I was married to did not fit in the new life that I was stepping into so I had to do something about it.  I filed for divorce.   Two weeks later this young lady rang my doorbell the same day I was going to get my first license to preach I knew that I had made the right decision.  My divorce was final that November and I have never looked back since then.  Bittersweet but Thank you Jesus!

Thank you Jesus!

When I look back over my life and I think things over, I can truly say that I've been blessed I got a testimony!  I had consecutive surgeries from year 2001 to 2008 skipped 2009 and now scheduled for surgery in 2010.  I know that one day this is going to end.  This is all going to be used for God's purpose.  Someone needs to hear this testimony one day.  Out of all the surgeries and various health issues, I am still standing.  I thank the Lord everyday.  If it wasn't for my daughter I would have given up a long, long time ago.  Breast surgeries, Uterine polyps, Cancer, Gastroparesis and Gastric Pacemaker Implant, B12 Deficiency, Iron Deficiency, Ulcers, Vertigo, Migraines, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Numerous hospital stays, physical therapies, and enough said!  I can sing the songs "For every mountain You brought me over, You have seen me through"; "My soul looks back and wonder how I got over"; "Thank You Lord for all You've done for me"; "I never lost my praise".  Thank you Jesus.  I feel like shouting right now!! 

P.S.  Out of this blog will come my book one day.   Stay posted.

You Never Know!

You never know what people are going through on a daily basis.  I would go to church every Sunday smiling all the way from the moment I walked in until I left to go back home.  No one ever knew the pain I felt within my heart.  I laughed and smiled as if life was great all the while never allowing people to know what was really going on.  I would return back to a place that felt so empty; never felt like home but it was where I lived.  Everyday I went to work - a job I hated - and smiled everyday met with clients did my work and returned home.  You can only do this for so long before you begin to lose your mind and hope that it would come to an end very soon.  With the numbness, depression, forgetfulness, taking care of my child (or trying to anyway), not remembering to drop her off at daycare, and the worst moment of all was having the strong urge to commit suicide I just couldn't take life anymore.  One day I drove over to the Institute of Living at Hartford Hospital and walked into the outpatient area (Yes, I did!) crying and screaming as loud as I could.  I sat in the lobby and a nurse came out to greet me she sat with me while I cried waiting for me to talk.  She never spoke but she patiently waited me for to stop crying before asking any questions.   Finally, after at least 30 minutes she let me tell my story and from that point I on I was in oupatient for a year before I stopped going.  I thank God that she was there, I thank God for her patience and I just thank God!

Existing and Not Living

As I look back, I realize now what was happening to me at that moment.  My daughter was about three years old; I was married to someone I did not know anymore; I had a job that I hated going to everyday -on every Sunday evening I became very sad; My body seemed numb to day to day activities and many of them I do not remember.  Every morning I went through the usual routine getting dressed and getting Perri dressed for daycare and to work I would go.   At the time I worked at WTIC Radio when it was in downtown Hartford.  On numerous occasions I would realize after I pulled into the garage at the Gold building that I never dropped her off at daycare....she was still in the backseat smiling at me when I parked the car to go into the office.  Immediately, I wondered where was my mind all the while I was driving into work.  I drove by the daycare on my way to work and never realized that I did not drop my child off.  Everytime I looked in the rearview mirror on the way to work it didn't dawn on me that she was still in the car.  Perri never made a sound in the backseat so I guess I forgot she was there.  I was so distraught and lost in that crazy world all alone that I was not aware of what was going on around me.  Unfortunately, that went on for a very long time and it had already been going on before I realized it.  In fact, I was pregnant with those same behaviors.  If I could do it over again, I would love to repeat the time I had with her as a child because I cannot recall some of her childhood because I was numb, depressed, going through the motions, just existing and not living.  If you have ever been there before, I am here to tell that you are not alone.  It happens to all of us.  We don't normally recognize it right away but when we do we have to get the proper help.  When I finally saw a doctor, I was in such a deep, deep depression that I needed to be on medication.  I had been depressed for five years before I knew what was happening to me.  My body was very frail.  I was always small but smaller than usual.  I slept all the time (Perri played by herself alot).  I kept to myself...didn't socialize much and anyone who knows me knows that is not normal for me.   I am a social butterfly.  I went to church every Sunday and didn't feel anything.  But once I knew what was wrong I asked for God's intervention in my life and it has never been the same since.  God has brought me a long, long way and I will never go back there again.

Read, Read, Read!

Depending on how I feel at the moment or what I am going through, I always find a book that speaks to me.  It could be the Bible or self-help, or non-fiction book that helps me stay focused.  Reading keeps me balanced and gives me a sense of peace.  You will see this word peace throughout my blog because it is such a major part of my being.  Reading allows me to sit in silence once again before I sink into the pages of a good book.  A book that will make me laugh, cry, sing, shout, or simply make me think.  I enjoy them all.  You will find that I will make recommendations of books on this website.  Pay close attention to the sidebars because there will be books that I have already read and highly recommend to you.  My house is loaded with books.  I could start my own library.  Now it is time to invest in the Amazon Kindle or the Barnes and Noble Nook but have not decided which one yet.  I hear that either one of them is a great purchase but whichever you decide just start reading.  It is soooo much fun!

The first set that I recommend are the following by Immaculee Ilibagiza:

Left to Tell;  Led by Faith; and, Our Lady of Kibeho.  You will experience God in a way that you never have before.

Peace is Priceless!

When I walk into my home each day there is complete silence. I enjoy listening to the quietness that lingers as I walk through each room. It's a peaceful sound that cannot be bought....a sound that no one can give me. One can only appreciate this sound if they have experienced a place of loud noises, a place of hell, a place of yelling and screaming. A place where there is never an opportunity for the brain to rest. I thank God for the peace I have. My prayer is that this will last forever even after I have found another significant other...I know it is possible. My daughter is the most special person in my life...she adds to the peace I have. May God continue to bless me with His holy quietness from now on. I am so thankful for this stage in my life because for several years I did not know what it was like to have peace. As I write this post, a peace comes over me that I cannot explain. Thank you God for you all that you have been to me and all that you are!