New Direction

When God takes us in a new direction, for some of us, there's joy.   For some of us, it's a little uncomfortable, but whatever it is for you God is still taking us in a new direction no matter how it feels.  We may not understand fully why the new path is taking place, but we know that we must follow.  So we take baby steps day by day following God.  It's only a matter of time before we realize why we're going in that direction and then we begin to enjoy the ride more and more giving us a sense of peace.  Thank you God for new direction.   New mercies I see!

Write! Write! Write!

Do you write your feelings on paper?  If so, do you feel better afterwards?  I do and yes I always feel better afterwards.  It is a release for me.  This blog is a daily journal of my life; my thoughts.  My thoughts put down on paper helps me to organize what is in my head and then I feel so much better.  You should try it!  You never know what may come out of your writings.  This is a great way to express yourself.  This is also a way to minister to someone else.  So Write!  Write!  Write!

Bittersweet

I answered my calling the same year that I got divorced.  What a year!  On Memorial Day weekend my daughter and I traveled to DC to visit friends.  My girlfriend Penny is a praying sister so I had to pray with her before I left to return to CT.  She was moving at the time and I kept insisting that I come over her house.  She said what do you want because my house is full of boxes and I don't have anywhere for you to sit.  I told her that I was not coming to see boxes that I was coming to get prayer so she allowed me to come after all.  When Perri and I arrived Penny asked me what I wanted and all I could say was "Peace".  So we sat in a small room and we prayed for peace.  On my drive home that day I cried all the way.  The Lord spoke to me loud and clear.  He said if you want peace in your life then do what I told you to do....answer the call to preach.  "What!  Not me!  Why are you calling me Lord!  I don't want to be called!" I acted like I had heard this for the first time but I knew because my dreams had given me warning signs over and over and over again.  But I knew that this was the final straw.  God was speaking to me like a "do this or else" statement.  I continued to cry until I arrived in Hartford.  I drove to my mother's house first.  When I arrived I told my mother that I was answering the call to preach.   She smiled and hugged me and the first words out of her mouth were "I'm not surprised".  Well why not?  I was.  A couple of days later I met with my pastor to inform him that I was answering the call to preach.  He wasn't surprised either!  Anyway, for the next couple of months my world was upside down.   Then I knew from there that the man I was married to did not fit in the new life that I was stepping into so I had to do something about it.  I filed for divorce.   Two weeks later this young lady rang my doorbell the same day I was going to get my first license to preach I knew that I had made the right decision.  My divorce was final that November and I have never looked back since then.  Bittersweet but Thank you Jesus!

Thank you Jesus!

When I look back over my life and I think things over, I can truly say that I've been blessed I got a testimony!  I had consecutive surgeries from year 2001 to 2008 skipped 2009 and now scheduled for surgery in 2010.  I know that one day this is going to end.  This is all going to be used for God's purpose.  Someone needs to hear this testimony one day.  Out of all the surgeries and various health issues, I am still standing.  I thank the Lord everyday.  If it wasn't for my daughter I would have given up a long, long time ago.  Breast surgeries, Uterine polyps, Cancer, Gastroparesis and Gastric Pacemaker Implant, B12 Deficiency, Iron Deficiency, Ulcers, Vertigo, Migraines, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Numerous hospital stays, physical therapies, and enough said!  I can sing the songs "For every mountain You brought me over, You have seen me through"; "My soul looks back and wonder how I got over"; "Thank You Lord for all You've done for me"; "I never lost my praise".  Thank you Jesus.  I feel like shouting right now!! 

P.S.  Out of this blog will come my book one day.   Stay posted.

You Never Know!

You never know what people are going through on a daily basis.  I would go to church every Sunday smiling all the way from the moment I walked in until I left to go back home.  No one ever knew the pain I felt within my heart.  I laughed and smiled as if life was great all the while never allowing people to know what was really going on.  I would return back to a place that felt so empty; never felt like home but it was where I lived.  Everyday I went to work - a job I hated - and smiled everyday met with clients did my work and returned home.  You can only do this for so long before you begin to lose your mind and hope that it would come to an end very soon.  With the numbness, depression, forgetfulness, taking care of my child (or trying to anyway), not remembering to drop her off at daycare, and the worst moment of all was having the strong urge to commit suicide I just couldn't take life anymore.  One day I drove over to the Institute of Living at Hartford Hospital and walked into the outpatient area (Yes, I did!) crying and screaming as loud as I could.  I sat in the lobby and a nurse came out to greet me she sat with me while I cried waiting for me to talk.  She never spoke but she patiently waited me for to stop crying before asking any questions.   Finally, after at least 30 minutes she let me tell my story and from that point I on I was in oupatient for a year before I stopped going.  I thank God that she was there, I thank God for her patience and I just thank God!

Existing and Not Living

As I look back, I realize now what was happening to me at that moment.  My daughter was about three years old; I was married to someone I did not know anymore; I had a job that I hated going to everyday -on every Sunday evening I became very sad; My body seemed numb to day to day activities and many of them I do not remember.  Every morning I went through the usual routine getting dressed and getting Perri dressed for daycare and to work I would go.   At the time I worked at WTIC Radio when it was in downtown Hartford.  On numerous occasions I would realize after I pulled into the garage at the Gold building that I never dropped her off at daycare....she was still in the backseat smiling at me when I parked the car to go into the office.  Immediately, I wondered where was my mind all the while I was driving into work.  I drove by the daycare on my way to work and never realized that I did not drop my child off.  Everytime I looked in the rearview mirror on the way to work it didn't dawn on me that she was still in the car.  Perri never made a sound in the backseat so I guess I forgot she was there.  I was so distraught and lost in that crazy world all alone that I was not aware of what was going on around me.  Unfortunately, that went on for a very long time and it had already been going on before I realized it.  In fact, I was pregnant with those same behaviors.  If I could do it over again, I would love to repeat the time I had with her as a child because I cannot recall some of her childhood because I was numb, depressed, going through the motions, just existing and not living.  If you have ever been there before, I am here to tell that you are not alone.  It happens to all of us.  We don't normally recognize it right away but when we do we have to get the proper help.  When I finally saw a doctor, I was in such a deep, deep depression that I needed to be on medication.  I had been depressed for five years before I knew what was happening to me.  My body was very frail.  I was always small but smaller than usual.  I slept all the time (Perri played by herself alot).  I kept to myself...didn't socialize much and anyone who knows me knows that is not normal for me.   I am a social butterfly.  I went to church every Sunday and didn't feel anything.  But once I knew what was wrong I asked for God's intervention in my life and it has never been the same since.  God has brought me a long, long way and I will never go back there again.

Read, Read, Read!

Depending on how I feel at the moment or what I am going through, I always find a book that speaks to me.  It could be the Bible or self-help, or non-fiction book that helps me stay focused.  Reading keeps me balanced and gives me a sense of peace.  You will see this word peace throughout my blog because it is such a major part of my being.  Reading allows me to sit in silence once again before I sink into the pages of a good book.  A book that will make me laugh, cry, sing, shout, or simply make me think.  I enjoy them all.  You will find that I will make recommendations of books on this website.  Pay close attention to the sidebars because there will be books that I have already read and highly recommend to you.  My house is loaded with books.  I could start my own library.  Now it is time to invest in the Amazon Kindle or the Barnes and Noble Nook but have not decided which one yet.  I hear that either one of them is a great purchase but whichever you decide just start reading.  It is soooo much fun!

The first set that I recommend are the following by Immaculee Ilibagiza:

Left to Tell;  Led by Faith; and, Our Lady of Kibeho.  You will experience God in a way that you never have before.

Peace is Priceless!

When I walk into my home each day there is complete silence. I enjoy listening to the quietness that lingers as I walk through each room. It's a peaceful sound that cannot be bought....a sound that no one can give me. One can only appreciate this sound if they have experienced a place of loud noises, a place of hell, a place of yelling and screaming. A place where there is never an opportunity for the brain to rest. I thank God for the peace I have. My prayer is that this will last forever even after I have found another significant other...I know it is possible. My daughter is the most special person in my life...she adds to the peace I have. May God continue to bless me with His holy quietness from now on. I am so thankful for this stage in my life because for several years I did not know what it was like to have peace. As I write this post, a peace comes over me that I cannot explain. Thank you God for you all that you have been to me and all that you are!