Existing and Not Living

As I look back, I realize now what was happening to me at that moment.  My daughter was about three years old; I was married to someone I did not know anymore; I had a job that I hated going to everyday -on every Sunday evening I became very sad; My body seemed numb to day to day activities and many of them I do not remember.  Every morning I went through the usual routine getting dressed and getting Perri dressed for daycare and to work I would go.   At the time I worked at WTIC Radio when it was in downtown Hartford.  On numerous occasions I would realize after I pulled into the garage at the Gold building that I never dropped her off at daycare....she was still in the backseat smiling at me when I parked the car to go into the office.  Immediately, I wondered where was my mind all the while I was driving into work.  I drove by the daycare on my way to work and never realized that I did not drop my child off.  Everytime I looked in the rearview mirror on the way to work it didn't dawn on me that she was still in the car.  Perri never made a sound in the backseat so I guess I forgot she was there.  I was so distraught and lost in that crazy world all alone that I was not aware of what was going on around me.  Unfortunately, that went on for a very long time and it had already been going on before I realized it.  In fact, I was pregnant with those same behaviors.  If I could do it over again, I would love to repeat the time I had with her as a child because I cannot recall some of her childhood because I was numb, depressed, going through the motions, just existing and not living.  If you have ever been there before, I am here to tell that you are not alone.  It happens to all of us.  We don't normally recognize it right away but when we do we have to get the proper help.  When I finally saw a doctor, I was in such a deep, deep depression that I needed to be on medication.  I had been depressed for five years before I knew what was happening to me.  My body was very frail.  I was always small but smaller than usual.  I slept all the time (Perri played by herself alot).  I kept to myself...didn't socialize much and anyone who knows me knows that is not normal for me.   I am a social butterfly.  I went to church every Sunday and didn't feel anything.  But once I knew what was wrong I asked for God's intervention in my life and it has never been the same since.  God has brought me a long, long way and I will never go back there again.