Depression is a serious disease. Many of us have our share of ups and downs with it every now and then. Some people think that because I wear a collar that I don't experience bouts of depression from time to time. Well wrong! I am here in the flesh like everyone else and I go through life's struggles like everyone else. I was at my lowest when I wanted to commit suicide. If I had a gun that night it would have been all over with. There was no reason for me to be here anymore. There was no reason for me to live anymore. I don't know why I felt that way. I was eight months pregnant sitting in the mall parking lot in Hampton Virginia crying my eyes out wondering why I couldn't function the way others did when they were pregnant. I didn't understand why the sciatica was so bad that I was practically handicapped. I felt like no one else around me understood what I was going through. All the pain I had in my body everyday for as long as I could remember (I don't know maybe 8 years old) and now just getting worse and worse and for what reason. All my life all I knew was physical pain. And now I knew emotional and mental pain too. What was the point in me living? What was I going to be able to offer my child? I couldn't do anything but be in pain all the time! Does anyone know how that felt? I didn't want to hurt my baby so I thought long and hard about hurting myself. I think that's what saved me and that is why I'm still here today. There's a song that reaches down to my soul by Kurt Carr " I Almost Let Go". Every time I hear it I cry. It brings me to my knees because "I almost let go and He held me close so I wouldn't let go. God's mercy kept me so I wouldn't let go." When I hear those words it always brings me back to that time in the parking lot when I felt my worst and I thank God for saving me, for lifting me, for holding me close, so I couldn't, so I wouldn't let go.
If you haven't been there, then pray that you never get there. If you have been there, then pray that you never go back there again. Get professional help. The church is not enough. It's the loneliest place in the world to be. I have dealt with bouts of depression numerous times since then but not to that extent. I have been on medication. I have slept, didn't want to get out of bed, wore the same clothes for days at a time, didn't want to bathe, didn't want to eat, didn't want to get dressed, just not function at all but God had mercy on my soul. The valley is never too low that God can't bring you to the mountaintop and for this I give Him all the praise!
